Breaking up with My Lonely Self

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From Longing to a Fulfilling Life

I’ve left that ache behind. I broke up with my lonely self. This allowed for that dark, heavy cloud to lift and dissipate into the ether. Since then, life here on this Earth, even though temporary, short, unpredictable and poignant is brilliantly beautiful.

The wallowing still beckons me now and then. I bid it farewell by saying, “I’m tired. So, I’m taking a nap. Goodbye.” Then, the body rests, the mind releases stresses, a few mantras are chanted and a fragrant bliss is experienced. Life is wonderful again. Trust is deepened. The smile in the eyes of my children more precious—their wonder, their curiosity, their magical absorption of the moment enlivens me.

What is this cycle—being human while experiencing the transcendent?

Why do we so often make the journey from equipoise to ecstasy? From anger to peace? From surrender to grasping? Although I feel less and less drawn to that realm, I know it’s still in me. If I lose that lust or desire for the drama of life entirely does it mean I am now practically lifeless? Old? Wise?

What drives my perspective now is different. Now I’m interested in watching the flow of life. It’s fairly effortless, and requires deeply trusting a greater force that keeps order in the universe.

What elderly men and women have told me about how things find their natural rhythm is now more and more my reality. As I grow older, my curiosity is heightened. I am deeply interested in the potential of a person despite the magnitude of their karma.

Despite all these welcome changes in me, I don’t make compromises on my integrity and my inner peace. I am firm in my commitment to spiritual expansion. It’s a commitment to overcoming my karma in a deliberate way—no blame, no games. Cleaning the mirror of one’s karmic patterns is a good thing. You can too, by taking inventory of your views, judgments and patterns. In them you will find a story of deep pain and fear.

Out of that story you can pave a new way of being and make a commitment to yourself for more than just this lifetime.

Your patterns are sometimes your inheritance from your family line. It often spills into you from your lineage. It is collective karma, for we share karma with our family members. Are you the one that is being called in your family? If so, do you have the courage to take the responsibility for you and your lineage?

If you do, you will understand yourself in different ways? Your lineage, your parents, your siblings all makes sense. It is a place of humble forgiveness and surrender to that which is begging to be healed. Yes, it requires diligence, courage and fortitude. When you finish this job you will sink into softness and your ancestors will whisper, “Thank you,” in your ears while you dream.

It will heal you, your lineage and the world.

Are you willing to give yourself this gift? Making sense of being human and experiencing the transcendent requires you to release your karmic patterns. Look deep into your lineage. Be curious. In your grandmother’s and mother’s stories are your strength and your glory. Then, you can release that ache, and experience the magic and joy of being in this body.

Published at Elephant Journal

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